Stuart Jeffries learns a few things about cyclists and manners after a refreshing accidental dip in the canal on the way to work
Have you ever cycled into the canal while commuting to work? You really ought to try – it’s most refreshing. I did it earlier this week and, as I told the kind people who helped me out, I regret nothing. Or nothing very much.
This is what happened. I was cycling along the towpath of the Regent’s Canal near King’s Cross in London thinking happy thoughts. I’d just read a news story about how women are getting more and more beautiful while men remain as pathetically cavemanny as ever. How lovely to be a heterosexual man in this day and age, I thought. Then I saw ahead of me an oncoming cyclist, and between him and me a couple strolling towards him.
The woman stepped sharply to the left towards the canal to avoid the cyclist. I swerved sharply to the left to avoid her and suddenly my visual field was full of grey/brown water coming to me very fast.
Then time slowed down and a series of questions went through my mind. Could I fall in such a way that the bike stayed on the towpath? Could I get my watch out of my pocket and hurl it on to the path before I went under? Could I reach my mobile, film the event and produce a multimedia audiovisual package that would really show my bosses that I’m not just a dinosaur of print journalism? Disappointingly, the answer to all three questions was no.
I stood up in the canal, thinking that the water wasn’t as cold as I’d feared. I wondered how much swan poo was in the water and if it was toxic. I was quite pleased I hadn’t landed on a supermarket trolley or the remains of another cyclist. The water came up to my chest and I had quite a nice chat with Laura and Jamie as they leaned with concerned looks down on me from the towpath. They looked so well dressed and dry that I felt at a bit of a social disadvantage. We did that very British dance: They were incredibly apologetic and self-abasing, I poo-pooed their apologies, saying it was entirely my fault. I’m not sure what happened to the oncoming cyclist.
They helped me pull the bike out of the water. My saddlebag was soaked, but amazingly some of the contents wrapped in a plastic bag – including my book and sandwiches which I later ate and — were bone dry.
I climbed out of the canal smelling of my new fragrance, eau de Grand Union, and began wringing out my T-shirt when my colleague Hannah walked by pristine and stylish in a summer dress. In the circumstances, it was very kind of her to talk to me at all. She suggested I must be concussed and should walk the few yards to work and have a cup of tea. Instead I pulled on a reasonably dry cagoule (classy), cycled home, chucked my damp clothes in the washing machine, showered, dabbed my grazed shins with Dettol, and blow dried my Oyster Card, debit card, phone, and watch.
Then I cycled back to work: I had to get back on my saddle and face down my demons. I retraced my route along the towpath. There are tyre marks swerving across the grass verge of towpath at the point I went into the drink. I stood there for a few moments and whistled the guitar riff from the Good the Bad and the Ugly (where did that come from?).
The only downside of my accident was that my mobile phone doesn’t work any more. I’d wanted an upgrade anyway. My bike (fingers crossed) seems to be in good condition.
Of course it was all my fault. The British Waterways code of conduct gives priority to pedestrians over cyclists, which is something that some cyclists don’t take seriously enough. Hannah told me that a cyclist had shouted “Move!” at her the other day as they barrelled down the same towpath I cycle along every day. That sort of rudeness is contrary to the British Waterways cycling code which says: “considerate and courteous to all users. Carry a bell and use it, or say excuse me as you approach all other users.”
For the most part any friction between cyclists and pedestrians is the fault of a sizeable minority of the former. That said, for cyclists like me riding on the canal towpath is irresistible: it’s a rustic idyll away from the raging roads.





Patio heaters might impress Dragons, but green credentials are hot air
July 30, 2009Eddie Middleton told the Dragons’ Den his electric heaters produce less CO2 than the gas version. But can it be true?
Anybody watching the BBC’s Dragons’ Den a couple of weeks ago may have sat up straight when Eddie Middleton walked in and pitched for money to invest in making his eco-friendly patio heating.
Eddie claims that his heaters, which have names such as Zeus and Neptune, produce 50% less carbon dioxide than regular patio heaters because they run on electricity rather than burning LPG gas.
This matters. Demand for his products is good. His company website says that “due to very high demand”, Neptune is out of stock.
Also, according to the Energy Saving Trust, a non-profit adviser on low-energy living, there is a “patio pandemic” going on, with more than 1m of these backyard Humvees polluting the skies above British suburbia during summer evenings.
Eddie told me he is not quite saying it is climate friendly to heat the air over your back garden. More that, if you are going to heat the atmosphere, then you should buy one of his heaters to do it.
But is it true? According to the Carbon Trust, another government-backed advisory body, grid electricity produces more than twice as much carbon dioxide to deliver a unit of energy than LPG.
So how can Eddie make his electric heaters produce less CO2 than their gas rivals? His number crunching is carried out by Andy Lowe at Carbon Clear, a private “carbon management” company. Eddie sent me Andy’s calculations.
They start with an estimate provided by the Energy Saving Trust that a typical British gas patio heater produces 50kg of carbon dioxide during a typical year’s use.
Andy reckons that, given how much gas an average patio heater consumes, this means it burns for 21 hours in a typical summer. He then says that if you run Eddie’s Neptune heater for 21 hours, it produces just 26kg of CO2. Only half as much.
Fair enough. I have no problem with any of those numbers. But there is an obvious question. Does the Neptune produce as much heat as a regular gas heater? If it doesn’t, then surely the comparison is invalid.
Here comes a bit of maths, so bear with me. If the average gas-powered heater emits 50 kilograms of CO2 during 21 hours of operation, then it must emit 2.38 kilograms for every hour it is switched on. Now, according to the Carbon Trust’s Greenhouse Gas Conversion tables, a kilowatt hour of energy from burning LPG produces 0.214 kilograms of CO2. So to emit 2.38 kilograms of CO2 in an hour, the “average” heater in Andy’s calculation must have a heat output of 11.1 kilowatts.
But Eddie’s Neptune – which is advertised, I notice, as “the baby of the range” – is a 2.3 kilowatt heater. It has not much more than a fifth of the heat-generating power of the “average” gas-fired patio heater. It is no wonder it kicks out less CO2, because it kicks out a very great deal less heat as well.
When I put this to Andy, he insisted that the Neptune heater is “a direct replacement” for bigger gas heaters. “Advances in technology have made it possible to deliver a comparable heater which uses only a fraction of the energy.”
How’s that? He said that “70% of the heat generated from a gas patio heater is lost”. It heats the air and not people sitting close by, he said, whereas his infra-red electric heater heated only the people.
Well, he has a point here. Physicists among you will know that radiant heat from an electric heater is more efficient at warming objects, like people. But I am still hoping for the documentation to back up that claim that there is a 70% difference in heat delivery.
Even assuming he is correct though, Eddie’s Neptune heater is still producing substantially less heat than its rival. So his claim to produce 50% fewer emissions is not justified.
I don’t think Eddie is trying to pull a fast one. He is an enthusiast. But if you make such claims about a product selling out after TV exposure, you need to be able to back them up. He may be a straight guy, but his claim is greenwash.
Actually, though, isn’t this all nuts? Isn’t the truth that the world does not need patio heaters? Back in the real world, they are a disgraceful waste of energy, however they are powered. And calling them environmentally friendly is an insult. What’s wrong with a pullover?
• Do you know of any green claims that deserve closer examination? Email your examples to greenwash@guardian.co.uk or add your comments below